Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Newsflash: I write blog posts when I am depressed.

I don't think I'm even slightly unique in this.  I do think, though, that it leads to having a choppy, downer-ing, not very readable blog.  So, sorry for that.  Given that I have no other outlet, though, it is what it is.

Because here's the thing: I am so fucking depressed.  Non-functional, refuse to bathe, can't quite remember why I care about food issues depressed.  This indicates to me that I am in crisis.  When I can entertain thoughts like, "well why don't I just go to Rally's?" something is very, very wrong.

Just getting dressed in the morning and dragging my useless carcass to the office in the morning is a major feat - forget actually getting anything done while at work.  I think part of me wants to get fired so that I won't have to go through the motions of even this minimal level of functioning.  Logically I know that getting fired would cause a domino effect of terrible badness.  But then, logic left the building around July.

All of this is making me wonder: can I really live an unmedicated life?  I've been off the junk for a year now, and it has been quite a year.  What with adjusting to a new job, having my dad in the hospital, buying and moving into a house, and so on, it's no surprise that I've had my share of mood swings and crazyfeelings.  But none of that accounts for this; this unrelenting lack of hope or motivation or enjoyment.

Following the rabbit hole right down to its black, tarry center, I land here: I've been on all the drugs, and none of them work.  SSRIs and SNRIs make me physically ill, often to the point of not being able to leave the house.  NDRIs turn my manageable anxiety into full blown panic disorder and agoraphobia.  Tri-cyclics and mood stabilizers turn me into a zombie, even less functional than I am currently.  MAOIs, which I have not tried, have a much too scary list of side-effects.  Herbal remedies, yoga, and the like are sort of like putting a band-aid on a sucking chest wound.

Granted, I am not in the best place to be looking for answers.  (Black hole pit of endless despair = not exactly conducive to logical thinking about mental health treatment.)  But really?  I cannot find an answer, or even a potential answer.  I feel like I could get back on track if there was just something to try.  So tell me, oh imaginary world of the internet - is there something to try?