Sunday, July 11, 2010

And not just my underwear either.

Sometimes I wake up to find that everything in my life has suddenly jumped a foot to the left, unexpectedly, but I've been left in the same spot. I wander around, and everything looks the same, but off somehow, and I can get around well enough, but I keep banging my shins on the coffee tables because they're just not quite where I expect them to be. And really, when did that vase break? Why hasn't anyone swept up all those tiny shards of glass that cover the floor? Oh, right, that's my job. But the broom isn't where I left it; in fact, all the closets have been reorganized. Must have been while I was sleeping.

I was sleeping, and one morning I woke up and found that my whole life felt different. Again.

Apparently not everyone experiences major events this way, but I always have. I go into a special state of functioning during a crisis, and I'm really, really good at it. I'm fucking professional. And then then, once everything starts to settle down and get a little quiet, the feelings and thoughts begin to culminate. Little pieces that I've stored separately, each in its own container being so careful that they never ever touch - they pool. Like beads of mercury rolling together to become a puddle. And suddenly I find that I can't navigate my mind, that my life seems like someone else's, because I have no real idea of how I got to where I am. I remember the sequence of events, but only in the most mechanical of ways. It then takes days or weeks for me to readjust to what it has become, to re-fit myself into my skin.

Ahh, crisis management. One of the many skills developed early in life that has left me a functioning but very oddly functioning person.

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P.S. - Three points if you get the reference in the title.

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