Saturday, October 25, 2008

Chase ate WaMu. I want to vomit.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q. What will happen to my account at WaMu? And to my branch?
A. It's business as usual. As of September 25, 2008, JPMorgan Chase has assumed the deposit and loan accounts, and all branches, of Washington Mutual. You can continue to access your accounts just the way you've accessed them in the past: use your same branch, same debit, credit and ATM cards, same checks. And soon, you can look forward to all the hassles and annoyances that you expect from the Chase Banking experience. Look for an increase in fines, reduced services, and inexplicable indiscrepancies in your monthly statements.

Q. What if I consider JPMorgan Chase a curse upon humanity, and do not want to do business with them?
A. In time you will be adequately brainwashed. In the end we will own all banks and control all monnies, so it is just as well that you get used to the idea as soon as possible.

Q. Is my money safe?
A. Yes; in addition to FDIC insurance, now you're assured your bank is backed by the strength and security of JPMorgan Chase. If you have money in both banks, your deposits have separate FDIC insurance for up to six months. Come see us and we can help you review your coverage. Rest assured that we will be investing every penny you put into our banks for the most possible benefit to our banking institutions.

Q. What if I have more than $100,000 at WaMu?
A. Your money is secure and now protected by the strength of Chase. Chase assumed all deposits of Washington Mutual. You obviously have more money than you need anyway, so we'll figure out how to take more of it from you.

Q.Will I ever again have the opportunity to bank with an institution which I do not find despicable?
A. No. And please stop calling the 800 number to ask. Our operators are automatons and you are short-circuiting them.

Q. When can I bank at Chase branches in my area?
A. We'll be working hard to combine systems as quickly as possible so you can begin to enjoy expanded branch convenience in your area, and we expect system changes to begin late next year. To expediate the process, we will make sure to hire inexperienced and underqualified workers for every branch, with the added benefit (to us) of significant cuts to payroll costs. We'll let you know in advance of any changes; in the meantime, simply continue to bank at WaMu branches as you do today and enjoy it while you can.

Q. Do my direct deposit, automated payments and transfers remain the same?
A. Yes. These services all continue for you without interruption or action on your part, until JPMorgan chase decides to ruin your life by changing them without notifying you.

Q. Where do I send my credit card and loan payments?
A. There is no change in how or where you make payments; payment instructions and addresses remain unchanged. Continue to make payments on time on penalty of death; no excuses will be heard.

Q. I have a Chase credit card, car loan, and mortgage. Can I make payments at a WaMu branch now?
A. Not yet, you moron! We'll let you know when you can make Chase credit card, car loan, mortgage or other loan payments at WaMu branches, or vice versa.

Q. I have deposit accounts at both WaMu and Chase. Are both of my accounts insured?
A. Yes! If you opened a WaMu deposit account before September 26, 2008, that account will be separately insured by the FDIC for six months (until March 24, 2009), up to the maximum FDIC insurance limits, including any new deposits into your WaMu account. After that, who knows? We're sure you'll figure it out eventually.

Accounts opened on or after September 26, 2008, are combined with all other JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. accounts to determine FDIC insurance. That's crystal clear, isn't it?

Q. I have Certificates of Deposit (CDs) at both WaMu and Chase. Are both of those FDIC-insured?
A. Yes! WaMu CDs are separately insured from JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. accounts until March 24, 2009. And insurance for WaMu CDs existing on September 25 may be extended: WaMu CDs maturing after March 24 , 2009, which roll over without any changes (such as amount, term, or title), are separately insured until their first maturity date after March 24, 2009. WaMu CDs opened on or after September 26, 2008, will be combined with all other JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. accounts to determine FDIC insurance. But, come on, you don't really need insurance now do you? Don't you trust us?

Q. I have retirement accounts at both WaMu and Chase. Are both of these accounts insured?
A. WaMu self-directed Keogh and Individual Retirement deposit accounts (including retirement CDs) will be separately insured by the FDIC for six months for the maximum FDIC limits, separately from any other retirement accounts that you may have at JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. Duh.

Q. I opened a deposit account with WaMu on or after September 26, 2008, when Chase and WaMu joined. I already have a Chase deposit account. Are they both insured?
A. Your deposit accounts opened on or after September 26, 2008 at a WaMu branch will not receive separate FDIC coverage (as described above). For FDIC insurance purposes, they will be combined with all other deposits of JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A., You can maximize your FDIC coverage through the use of a combination of joint and individual accounts. Just visit www.FDIC. gov to find out more, and stop bothering us about it.

Q. I'm a small business owner. What will change for my business?
A. Immediately, no change at all – bank just as you do today. As our systems merge, we look forward to bringing you innovative services ranging from online invoicing to convenient ways to help you manage your cash flow while gouging you with ridiculous fees and usurious interest rates. Chase is a national leader in business banking services, and is the nation's #1 SBA lender. For over two decades, Chase has been developing innovative methods of manipulating small businesses to drive themselves into the ground so that multi-billion dollar, multinational corporations will have little to no competition; they know small business inside and out!

Q. I have a relationship with the WaMu Commercial Group. What will change for my business?
A. Immediately, no change at all - work with the Commercial Group just as you do today. As our systems merge, we look forward to bringing you innovative services. Chase is a national leader in commercial lending and cash management solutions, and we don't have to tell you what that means.


CD Rates Blog said...

I believe some of your info is incorrect when it comes to what is insured when you had accounts at both banks, prior to the merger.

Or maybe it is only incorrect in regards to CDs. CDs are insured separately until the first maturity. So if you had long-term CDs you don't have to pay a penalty to close one of them. You just need to make sure you don't allow the first maturity to roll.

melissa bastian. said...

All of the actual information here came from the WaMu website. I did not remove or alter anything; I only added what is obviously satirical editorializing. So if there's incorrect info, it's WaMu's mistake...

(The super-serious comment kinda makes you wonder if good ol' cd rates blog got the joke, don't it?)