Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A lot of things can happen to you when you're alone.

I don't mean bad things, like you're more vulnerable to attack or something, though I suppose that's true. What I'm talking about is that when you spend a whole day by yourself but working, working on important things, a lot of stuff happens. And there's no one there to tell. So by the end of the day you're overflowing with the day's events: the things that you've accomplished, what you've failed at, miracles you've discovered.

At the ends of these days I am overflowing. Bursting at seams. Searching for an outlet. This is at least part of why I blog, but writing (or typing) something down is not the same as sharing it with another human being. You, or at least I, want to get a reaction, to have a conversation, to receive feedback.

All too often this does not happen. Maybe there isn't someone in your life to absorb this energy from you at the end of the day. Or maybe you do have that person, as I do, but by the time you see him he's too tired out from his own eventful hours to become your sounding board. He cannot be blamed for this. Nevertheless, it is disappointing.

Such it is that last night at 1 am I was bursting, and when my man came home I began to unload. After about twenty minutes (not all of me talking, mind you - of those I probly spent about seven talking about my day) he said "ok, I'm gonna go away now". And he did. And there was little me, still bursting, but deflated.

There is a common misconception that just because a person spent the day at home, he or she probably didn't do much that day. Well I can tell you that, at least for me, it could not be less true. When I'm at home I work pretty much constantly; I try to rest and I just can't. Granted, I project jump. But drafting my C train blog and tweaking photos to be printed so that I can paint from them and putting together flyers for my zine event the weekend after next are all work in my book. So when I get frustrated or exhausted with one I switch to whatever is pulling my attention. I've always worked best this way.

It's actually quite difficult for me to be unemployed. Each day I have to figure out how to best spend my time, which is insanely hard because each of my endeavors calls out to me begging to be put at the top of the list. However, now that I have an event scheduled some obvious things fall into place. For instance, the event is a zine release. Therefore, making the zine exist in physical reality is, say, top five. Also up there are creating and distributing flyers, and printing and framing the photographs that I'm supposed to be showing. Having a deadline really helps. Because normally it's just up to me, and that gets sticky.

But enough of this contemplation. I need to get out there and attack this day. Yesterday I didn't leave the house, but today I really need to go out there and interact with the world... as little as I may want to. Lord give me strength. Or something.

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