Friday, August 1, 2008

A day of maybe.

Today, quieter. Calmer maybe, or maybe really just exhausted despite long sleep.

Rash decision made yesterday, maybe the right one and maybe not: I'm flying to New Orleans on Sunday. I'll stay for four days. There are things I need to see.

I cling to images, but they are outdated, were imprinted two years ago or more. I need to allow them to be renewed. To accept that, while it is still not fixed, it is changing. To replace the images of what was with what truly is, whether or not it is better.

I would like to do this with other things, things that are harder to photograph.

* * *

I have felt lately that life is too harsh. Too hard. That I'll never assimilate to this world because I would only ever be comfortable in one more gentle, one that does not exist. But how do I forget, or ignore, the fact that this world is so harsh at least partly because I make it so? I apply such exacting and impossible standards to myself and then sabbotage myself to make them impossible to accomplish; I force myself to think on the most distressing of available topics; I do not forgive myself of anything, ever. I do not rest. I create work where there is none, problems where there are only slight imperfections, if even. I unravel, I unfurl, I pick at wounds to keep them raw.

Life would be hard enough without these efforts; I make it doubly, triply so. Why?

We all do what we know.

* * *

I haven't been to New Orleans in over a year. I do not know exactly what I will find. I will take pictures of whatever it is. I will seek out the hard places, the places in my mind that I avoid that then present themselves in my dreams. I need new images.

I am anxious about leaving Jonathan. I hate to be away from him, truly. It's only four days of course, four days in which I'll be distracted. It will be alright. I will miss him, but it will be alright.

Perhaps, when I return, I will be able to live again.

No comments: