Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Calming, steadily.

Ok. So. It's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for a person.

After not sleeping for the second night on Monday, I spent Tuesday a weepy whiny mess. It was really pitiful. I'm useless, my life is going nowhere, there's no good answer, same old crap bla bla bla. I shouldn't be too mean to myself; things get hard and my chemistry was all effed up. And anyway, it's not as if I didn't know that it was all pointless.

Today I've regained my senses, in no small part due to the fact that I've had something resembling a night's rest. As of now, the situation looks like this: yes, my current job does not pay me enough to live on. About half, actually. But at least it pays half, so the drain on my savings isn't as dramatic as it would be if I were totally unemployed or even just less employed. It's a job that I give as much or as little to as I feel like in a given day... for the most part, at least. And now that I have a new computer with internet access, things should be a little nicer. The effect of having this job is that my time is stretched - my time, that is, to find the right job.

The right job? What the hell is that? Ah, the eternal question. It's the one that strikes the right balance. The one that both pays me enough to live on plus a smidge, but also doesn't take so much out of me that I leave it each evening feeling dead inside.

How do I find it? Aw christ, I have no idea. Look, I guess. Ask friends. Apply. Spread around my resume. Yesterday I applied for jobs with the Freelancers Union and Either one would be pretty cool, I think, especially FU since it's a non-profit and all. The location ain't great for me (Brooklyn Heights), but I could use the commute time for subway study, so it'd work out. Here's hoping they even notice my email amongst the 500 I'm sure they've already received from Criagslist.

So, I've got three months, maybe four if I'm careful or get a little something from the parents. I just have to be diligent and not be so dragged down by the application process. It feels so much like being ignored or outright rejected, but I have to get over that. When you put up a post for a job one evening, and come back the next morning to 200 emails in your inbox, you're not gonna open all of them. It's luck of the draw. I can only up my chances by applying more, as grueling as that may be.

I'm just standing on the shore, throwing pebbles into a vast sea. One day a miracle will occur and a mermaid with shimmering gold and green scales will surface, and smile, and toss my pebble back to me. She'll have tied a note to it: "Administrative assistant for a nonprofit graphic design firm, will train in software, 40K plus full benefits. Start Monday?" Or even, "Legal assistant at non-reprehensible lawfirm, 36K plus benefits, start in a month?" Until then, I'll just try to count the concentric circles that radiate as the pebbles break the surface of the water.

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