How to live my life, now?
What to do with each day?
Well, there is working. It doesn't pay enough, but it pays something. I think about quitting, every day I think about quitting. But it's foolishness. More realistic is to do what I did today - apply for other jobs while I'm at the one I have. Does it make me a terrible person? Perhaps. But at this point I act from desperation. I'm down to maybe a month's backup, and this is NYC in a nasty recession. I'll play dirty if I have to.
Outside of job-work, it seems that all I have for certain is my lover and my work. There are worse situations to be in, to be sure. While I'd like to be able to say that there are more numerous dependable factors in my life, there simply aren't. There is one very natural conclusion here: I should spend my time on my lover and my work.
As for my lover, he needs me right now. Due to some tumultuousness at work (and unhelped by my recent depression), he is feeling rather uncertain about his current standings in the world. Giving him extra attention is only prudent. As for my work, it goes without saying. I went almost two weeks without coming to the studio; that just cannot be. For one thing, I may have done in my precious plants for real this time. But the true issue is that I'm whittling away my life savings (more like hacking out chunks out with an ax) to keep this place. To not come here is like setting enormous amounts of cash on fire. And that's actually not something I want to be doing right now.
I'm doing a fairly incredible amount of writing currently; you're not seeing a lot of here because I'm going to try to have it published for real. Strangely, lit mags don't like it when they publish something that you wrote and then discover that it's already all over the intarwebs. Go figure. If it doesn't get accepted, rest assured that you'll be seeing it one way or another - on the blogs, or in individual zines, or both.
In other news, for better or worse, I now have health insurance. Got the card in the mail today. Coming in at a mere $245 a month, no less. I don't think it will cover visits to any of my doctors (because they're all specialists), but at least it will cover prescriptions, which yes, tally much more than the above figure at retail cost. And at least that's significantly below the $515 mark that COBRA was ringing. Ahh, glorious cost of living in this here malfunctioning body. Hopefully soon I'll have a job that actually provides health insurance; then I get to try to figure out how to cancel what I just got. I'm sure that will be a bundle of fun.
So yes. Focus on loving my loves. And, of course, finding a job that pays more and provides benefits. These things are more than enough to occupy my time, my mind. And if any of my "friends" see fit to seek out my company, well then those are the ones who should have it, right? I'm truly convinced now that I'm a bother to everyone else; no more doing the inviting for me. Invited or nothing, so it sure is a good thing that I'm busy.