Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Happens every time.

Well, I've been applying for jobs again today. I also submitted my resume with two staffing agencies, temporary or permanent. And, as expected, I am now bone-crushingly depressed. There's just something about trying to sell myself that makes me want to kill myself instead. Ok, ok, it's not that bad. But I hate it more than almost anything.

What I really wish is that instead of needing to get a job now, I just needed less money. But the only way to make that happen is to cut my health insurance, and that's a dangerous proposition. For all the obvious reasons, and because it would probably mean ending my medications. Now, I resent the hell out of having to take four goddamn pills every night, but those of you who remember me before I had them know why it's a pretty bad idea for me to stop. I just feel so trapped by it. I want there to be a better answer, and I've looked for one. Meditation, diet, yoga, therapy, eliminating toxic people. It all helps to an extent, but not enough to make me functional. As in, being able to go to work every day, handle grocery stores, et cetera. Only the SSRIs have managed that feat. The only other thing I've ever figured out that would really, truly help is to, well, live in a different kind of world than the one that exists. And let's just say I'm not holding my breath on that one.

So I'm back on the hunt, applying for jobs I don't want that I won't enjoy. Because money is the root of... all. Just all. It's how we eat and breathe and sleep, and certain things are valued and others aren't. Or at least aren't by many.

I applied for a college today - the Journalism program at Baruch College, part of the CUNY system. It's affordable, except of course for that pesky part about having the time to both work and go to school. But maybe I'll be able to figure it out, assuming that I get in, which I should. I mean, I can't see why not. It's undergrad, and I do already have a degree. My GPA wasn't the best, but I pulled it up to just over a 3 in the end. And doesn't "real world experience" count for something at these places? Let's hope; I've got plenty of that crap.

Let's keep our collective fingers crossed, shall we?

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