well. ok. i've been basically holding my life in limbo for an internship that i'm not getting. it was a somewhat stupid thing to do letting it dominate my theoretical future the way i did, and i could run through all the details of why i approached it that way and reason and rationalize why it actually does make some sense... but i won't. it's not worth the time.
what i actually need to do is figure out what i'm doing. like, now. now that i know that nothing concrete and fixed looms in my future, particularly, other than three to four nights a week at a coffee shop.
so... what am i doing?
first priority should be to get ready for the open studio event. there are a lot of paintings that i have planned, that i'd like to have painted by mid may. which is just not that long from now. and what does this mean? well i suppose it means i need to go and paint! and project, and sketch, and lay out, etcetera, and so forth. there are dozens of hours of work that can happily be done there - and a good thing too, because i think what i most need in my life now is dozens of hours of happy work.
i also need to work on Bright stuff, for when painting gets too tedious. that will perhaps be my focus after the open studio has happened. and to continue my food research and writing, of course, as always. (which reminds me that i wanted to give ol' Michael Pollan a good talking to. but that's for another post.) i also need to make more detailed plans for when both sets of parents will be in town. and theoretically, by the end of may, i'll have a whole 'nother project to work on. i can't talk about that one yet, but when the time comes i will talk, believe you me... copiously to the point of aggravating all who love me for months and months on end. grand, just grand.
see? i have things to do. because, you know, you needed convincing.
i've decided to let myself be jobless (apart from the coffee shop) until after the parents leave, as i'm pretty sure that adventure will take all the strength i can muster. after that, nose back to the rejection-a-go-go grindstone. and if nothing that i actually want to do has crawled out from under a rock to show me its soft white belly by the end of june, well then i'll start looking for something i don't actually want to do but that will pay me. that i think i could make happen; there's always the glorious option of turning to headhunters and temp agencies. whatever. i'll suck it up. this is what i knew i was facing when i walked away from 44k and full health benefits, wasn't it? yes, it was.
day by day, i will schedule and plan and then not follow either the schedule or the plan. and somehow i'll get everything done that i set out to accomplish, plus some other things that just occur to me along the way. that's how i operate; it always has been, even when i've wanted to believe that i live an orderly existence. i take chaos and i make it work. because if i hadn't learned to do that, i'd surely be dead by now.
i'm not dead yet, and i still have plenty of paint. so i'm going to go ahead and assume that i'm doing something right.