Tuesday, April 1, 2008

jobless, day two.

this is the sound of my cell phone, not ringing. it is all i can hear.

this is the sight of my inbox, devoid of new messages. it is all i can see.

i am not having the best day. i got up this morning, and even made it into the city. i was out front of my favorite bookstore when they unlocked the doors at 10am. i settled in with my herbal tea and my notebooks; i had plans for some work to get done. but before 11 i was chased out. i was sitting right next to the back door for the cafe, and for some damn reason they kept propping it open. i couldn't handle it. i can't really explain; it just felt very hostile to have to hear and smell the hustle of the street. so i left. walking away, i caught my foot on a lip of concrete and tripped a little; i think i may have sprained my foot ever so slightly. it hurts.

i went to my favorite coffee shop, but it was already packed to the gills. i'm pretty sure it's like that every day by about 8:30am whenever NYU is in session. so that was a no go.

i decided to head to the west village, which for some reason i've been haunting lately, to visit a coffee shop i've just discovered on west 10th street called jack's. but as i reached macdougal, i realized that just a short block south was the "tea spot", a cozy place with a terrible name and a wonderful selection of, well, teas. so i ordered my second herbal tea of the day, bringing my expenditures already up to $8. i sat for a while there, contemplating paper colors and not really getting anything done. but at least it was empty.

deciding that a banana, herbal tea, and some hazelnuts were no longer sufficient nutrition, i went over to sacred chow and spent way too much money on a small but good lunch. that short sliver of afternoon was alright, except that she had her door open too for some reason, so i was freezing the whole time. it's 58 degrees out people. that's not warm. warmer, maybe, but not warm.

that was about all the city held for me, i decided, so i grabbed some coffee for my man at portorico and then jumped on the E train and headed to my studio. i got there and found that i really couldn't get anything done; the new paper swatches go fine with the old ones. wonderful. superb. my mind turned once again to budget, and i tried to write it all out. (for some reason that is beyond me, this is the moment that i realized my annual payment on my p.o. box is overdue.) i could only come up with expenses of $1000 a month. could that be right? what was i missing? maybe i wasn't missing anything. suddenly, i was filled with great hope. i headed out, wanting to go home and crunch some more numbers, come up with some plans.

and then, as i was walking away from the studio, it hit me: the studio is what i was missing. the crazy large sum i spend so that i can have what is essentially a glorified storage space is what was left out of my calculations. so no, there is no miracle waiting around the corner to solve my financial woes. it's as bad as i think.

i got home and discovered that i did, indeed, have some emails. the first one told me that the showing of A Chorus Line that i'd bought tickets to for when the parents are in town has been canceled. the second told me that i did not, repeat N-O-T, make it into the coveted Bust springcraftacular craft fair. not that i'm surprised. i guess i was just hopeful. it would have been nice to have someone think that i was good enough for something.

the constant rejection of job hunting has begun to wear on me i think.

i can't help thinking that this is a terrible mistake. but no, it isn't. or it won't be, as long as i don't let it be. i need to be more motivated. but i'm being pulled in, pulled down, and it's hard to fight.

i'll work it out. i always work things out. or at least things change somehow, and become more workable. things are just hard right now. i guess i knew they would be, though i think i was thinkingi'd be more excited about my freedom. and in my cliched little mind, i hear "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

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